Competitive Classical Music

THIS IS WHY MEN DON'T VACUUM

Thanks Alex

0720 Professional career opportunities : )

Looking for a snowman for the winter carnival. Must be willing to travel across the province, be made totally of genuine Quebec snow, provide a guarantee of freshness and promise not to melt before the end of the carnival period and finally must be accompanied by a certified snow person maintainer at all times. Call us for an interview.

Source:http://lavalnews.ca/classifieds 0720 Professional career opportunities Sunday February 9 2014

Have a nice day
As written in the paper.
Steve

Vinyl Cafe Stories From CBC Radio (podcast) Tommy's father bakes a turkey.

From my holiday favourites: Tommy's father bakes a turkey.

• Skip to minute 24. Vinyl Cafe Stories From CBC Radio (podcast)

They made me laugh! So unexpected.

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.  Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now. 
 
 

Humour: ​ALERTS TO THREATSIN 2013 EUROPE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person

Thanks Alex

Group Pile driver? Le marteau pilon de groupe.

Surprising.

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/cFb0nLCKypg?rel=0

Merci Georges

What we really think of these tools!

Thanks Jacques

Teaching the Alphabet, Updated.

Best ant crusher

The Gotcha! makes this one funny. Thank you Jacques.

• http://www.tastefullyoffensive.com/2011/12/frog-plays-ant-crusher-game.html

Bearded Dragon playing Ant Crusher

This speaks to the quality of the screen and of the animation. We have reached the Uncanny valley where animation begins to look real. Thanks Jacques.
Bearded Dragon playing Ant Crusher - YouTube

Ninja Arbitrator

* Ninja Arbitrator is an arbitrary decision making app that swiftly slices through indecision, anxiety and stress with cunning precision and makes decisions for you. * Simply type in the options you are considering (like where to eat or which movie to see) and tap the Let The Ninja Decide button. * "So much better than 'Magic 8 Ball'!"*Ninja Arbitrator - Free 1.5.9 (Mobile), from Sylver Arrow - Free Downloads on ZDNet | Shareware, Trialware, Evaluation Software

Can you find these? Fun multiple choice

Where in the World? A Google Earth Puzzle - Alan Taylor - In Focus - The Atlantic

* 23 ADULT TRUTHS *

1. Sometimes I'll look at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day..

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.


Source unknown, quoted in various emails. Thank you Joanne. Steve

Fred Pellerin tells a short story

Fred Pellerin tells an enchanting little story; not your average call to donate. Thanks Léopold.

En Français. Entraide 2009 - YouTube

On growing old?

Food for thought, if you are old enough to have these memories. Thanks Jacques.

Fruit joke.

Another joke making the rounds. Thanks Jacques.

Ala In Ben Oit?

First day of school in Quebec:
 

"Mustapha El Ekhzeri"

"Present"

"Achmed El Cabul"

"Present"

"Kadir Sel Ohlmi"

"Present"

"Mohammed Endahrha

"Present"

Chanhira Amarttayaku

"Present"

"Ala In Ben Oit"

Silence......

"Ala In Ben Oit"
The class remains silent.

For the last time!?"Ala In Ben Oit!"

Then, timidly, a young boy in the last row stands up and
says to the teacher:

"It's me, but it's pronounced: Alain Benoit "

Thanks Sal.

Sing to your Siri - Apple changes the world again.

Thanks Antonio.

Draw a stickman, just for fun.

http://www.drawastickman.com/ Thanks Veronika.